Loveless...

So after 4 years of being single (damn that's such a long time) I finally know why it's been so long. I was talking to my friend the other day who knew my ex, my one and only serious relationship guy, who also hurt me bad like baaaaaaad. Anyways I realized that I've been traumatized by my last relationship. Yea, of course I met wonderful people after that but never gotten to commit to another relationship. I always kept a distance and never fully committed to one because I was so scared to fall in love again. People tend to think of me as a type of girl who likes to party, go wild and just do what I want and don't really care. But in reality when I fall for someone or be in a relationship I give my all. I try to become the best gf possible and put so much into the relationship that when it ends it's like the world falls apart. Breaking up with someone you love so much is I'd say the worst feeling possible. I'm such a strong, independent person and have such a tough skin but if I really care for someone I can't just say fuck it and move on. It's not easy to cut somebody off your life when they've been a big part of your life... I should give chances but I realized my biggest fear isn't rejection (cuz that's what I always been saying) it's being in love. I told my parents the last time they were here that I don't think I could get married because A. I'm scared to get hurt B. I feel like I'll fuck it up cuz I could be such a Bitch sometimes C. I can't possibly imagine being with someone for the rest of the life (Not saying I can't be loyal but I can't even be with my best friend for a whole month how the hell am I gonna be with a guy for like the next 50yrs!?)
I just need someone to sweep me off my feet I guess... and take more chances than just closing all the doors.